Okay, the title of this article is a bit misleading. Samurai didn’t date as we do; they had arranged marriages. But there are many stories of samurai romances and dating in Japanese folklore. Although samurai were warriors, until the Edo period, they were expected to balance their war-skills with softer skills like flower arranging and poetry.
A person who has not studied poetry is the poorer for this lack, and thus one should study it. One should always be genteel in his speaking. A man who shows his innermost self by a single word. –Hojo Naguji
Samurai used the arts to help them cope with the violence of their profession. If you read old samurai tales, it wasn’t unusual for a warrior to take refuge in his flower garden, tending and arranging his flower cuttings. You can also read tales of warriors going leaf viewing with their wives and children in the autumn or going on the more famous, cherry blossom viewing of spring. The idea behind most of these arts and practices was to slow down and reflect, to create an area of peace where life can happen. While we aren’t living in an era of violence, we need to carve out areas of peace and connection where life can happen. The practices I will outline here offer this space and can be practiced alone, but they make for good chances to connect during a date!
Autumn Leaf Viewing Picnic
While not as well known as cherry blossom viewing, leaf-viewing was a common practice from at least the Heian period. Nobles would pack a meal, various poetry books, and go off into gardens to enjoy the cooler weather and the colors of autumn. I recommend making your own lunch and bringing it along. This allows you to make a cute bento! But if you aren’t a cooking person, I suggest giving Sakuraco’s snack boxes a look. They offer tea for two with a different theme each month. The boxes include artisan goodies made from family-ran businesses. This allows you to get a bit closer to the goodies some samurai and nobility would’ve ate during their viewings. Sakuraco offers a great way for you to get a selection of traditional Japanese sweets with a different theme each month. They make for great tea-dates-in-a-box which are perfect for autumn viewing picnics or any of these other ideas.
Note: Sakuraco gave me a box to try in exchange for the links in this article. I always enjoy a chance to try different flavors and snacks that I wouldn’t have known about otherwise.
The trick with this practice is to slow down and take time to enjoy the colors, the sound of the leaves falling, and the crunch of the leaves as you walk. If you live in a city, escaping to nature gives you a chance to rest and spend time with your loved one. This can become meditative if you do it alone.
Poetry Contest
During the Heian period, the educated would have contests to see who could write the best poetry. They would also try to complete a poem by going around and each person contribute a line to a poem. You can imagine how this would devolve into humorous and raunchy poems! The samurai class continued the practice of writing poetry, developing leisure poetry into death poems. Poetry and the literary arts have fallen out of favor in the modern world, but with the right partner or a circle of friends, a poetry contest could be a hilarious time. Think a higher-brow version of “Cards Against Humanity”. Of course, if you are on a date, you could use this as an excuse to get lovey-dovey. If you read any of the surviving poetry from the Heian era or from samurai, you will often find mushy and cringy poems. So, getting a bit mushy ties back to his long history.
Cherry Blossom Viewing
I would be remiss to not mention cherry blossom viewing if you live in an area with cherry trees. If not, there are many other types of trees that blossom magnificently in spring: dogwoods and magnolia can be just as lovely as cherry trees. Like with an autumn viewing trip, to match the historical experience, bring a lunch with hot tea. Sakuraco often has a cherry blossom themed box around spring, which I’ve tasted and reviewed in the past. But even just a peanut-butter sandwich tastes better when relaxing under blossoming trees with their petals fluttering around you while spending the time with a partner.
Flower Arrangement
Flower arrangement, known as ikebana or kado, aims at creating beauty and balance while helping us train in being mindful of impermanence. Flower arranging can make an interesting date. You and your partner’s selection of flowers and plants, colors and textures, can reveal much about your taste. You can combine flower arrangement with autumn and cherry blossom viewing. You can find nice flowers and nicely shaped plants in both autumn and spring. Just make sure you have permission and don’t pick plants that might be hazardous! Flower arrangement classes offer a great way to spend time with your loved one while learning how to create beauty and how to express yourself using the language of flowers.
Calligraphy
Calligraphy remains a firm part of Chinese and Japanese art and expression. For whatever reason, the Western calligraphy tradition has waned. It’s still around, but it isn’t as practiced as it had been among the educated. Taking a calligraphy class or working from a good calligraphy teaches focus. If you do this with your partner, you can spur each other to improve and even write silly or romantic poetry using your new calligraphy. The main point is to cultivate flow and discipline and, of course, spend time together.
Tea
The Japanese tea ceremony stands next to cherry blossom viewing. Tea doesn’t have to be so rigid. A morning tea ritual where you and your partner talk or just sit and sip together offers a small sanctuary from the barrage of modern life. You can take this as far as you want, following an English afternoon tea practice all the way to a formal Japanese tea ceremony. Of all the date ideas, this one can become a regular habit that can anchor your day. If you aren’t a tea person, you can use coffee for this practice.
Live Mindfully
The trick to these dates involves spending your time with your partner mindfully. That means putting away phones and other distractions and learning how to savor the slower, quieter aspects of life. These samurai practices help train your mind toward improved focus and appreciation and interest in life. Often we flit from task-to-task and the days roll by. Amid the grind, we lose sight of who our loved ones. If we continue on like this for too long, life will be over. Relationships will end. You don’t have to use these samurai practices only as dates. You can practice them alone or with friends. Anything that offers a chance to unplug, slow down, and risk boredom is good for the soul. Boredom pounces us moderns, I suspect, far more often than our ancestors because we’ve grown accustomed to constant entertainment. This prevents us from appreciating the subtle changes nature experiences through the seasons or how truly valuable each moment is with our loved ones.
Behind these samurai practices sits the realization of death. Death not only applies to our own unavoidable death but also the death of each moment. Even if you go to the same trail to view autumn leaves every day in a week, the experience of walking that trail will be unique. Different leaves may have fallen. You will have a different conversation with your loved one. The birds will sing a different song. Daily tea dates differ because you and your loved one are different each day.
While samurai typically didn’t date, their effort to balance themselves and heal themselves from their violent profession offers practices we can still use. Samurai would also go on religious pilgrimages, study literature, paint, and do many other things. Anything that gives you a quiet space for reflection, peace, and connection can qualify for a “samurai date.”
What suggestions do you have for a date or a healing practice?
